in which a very interesting summer comes to an end

but, hello, it's only july 16th.

we'll see what life has next in store for me.

okay, so things have been absolutely crazy lately.

months ago, i landed one of my very happiest jobs, and by far, the job i experience the most success out of, in my entire life.

i'm managing a contemporary bistro in downtown cincinnati.

i'm surrounded by good food, interesting ideas, fascinating people, and i'm learning and working hard

every. single. day.

i'm allowed to be flexible, be innovative, and i have excellent examples above me, in terms of my boss, his boss, and their contemporaries. it's very cool.

so let's look at the pay off of this.

on one hand, i love acting. i looooove it.

but i'm in a constantly slow market, and i don't have enough money to get out of it.

so i understood very quickly that the best i could do for myself was to enjoy myself day after day after day, as best i could.

i found this bistro, and day after day after day i'm excited, encouraged, supported, and interested in the day, product, and people.

THAT is rewarding, and very cool. 

i had to take a ton of time off this summer.

aaron and i went to a wedding in wilmington, north carolina.

then i went to texas for my sister's graduation.

AND i went to iowa for a ten days.

all of this began two weeks after i began working at the bistro

so, in the midst of new schedule (i work 3 pm - 11(or 12, or 1, or 2 am), new location, new wardrobe, new everything, i'm constantly driving/flying/leaving the city for various events.

i'm not in one place at one time. i can't focus because i'm constantly gone.

AND THEN.

and then, i have the opportunity of all opportunities.

months ago, when i was still employed with the university of cincinnati's IRB, i just happened to think, "well, i'm doing something unexpected in a city i'm feeling a need to leave.....why don't i do something unexpected in a city i CHOOSE to be in?"

so i looked online.

and i found a job for a research compliance assistant

and i applied.

that was february.

THEN, all of a sudden, in the middle of all the change mentioned above,

i get a phone call

and they ask me if i'm interested in interviewing for a job in LA.

I SAY YES

and everything about me screams

YES YES YES YES YES.

the job is amazing.

it's in research compliance, a HUGELY important field

and, biggest kicker for me, it has an intense training program

which is THE NUMBER ONE reason i felt so helpless last time i did the work.

i needed help, i asked for help, and nobody could help me.

(it was humiliating.)

and this job solves that problem!

it would pay relocation to get me to LA

it is in beverly hills

it pays enough for me to live in LA (and then some,)

and it solves all the problems i've had my entire life.

all i've wanted

my entire life

is to move to LA

(methinks. my guts tell me one thing and my mind gets swayed by other's expectations of me.)

and suddenly,

i would have been there.

i would have been in the perfect place to act my pants off.

i would have had flexible hours

good and steady pay

important work

and more sunshine than i can handle.

they flew me out there

they paid for everything

and i had an intense four interviews

that i knocked out of the park

i was sitting on santa monica pier watching the sunset and weeping because FINALLY, finally, every decision i'd made in my life, every decision i knew was a good, solid decision i had EVER made in my life, was culminating in that moment, in that visit, and finally, i finished writing the story i'd been writing my entire life. 

i finally was sitting at santa monica pier OF MY OWN ACCORD, of all of my own, lost, faithful, hard work, and it was time to see what was next.

then i tried not to think about it.

my heart was ripped out of my chest last year

when i was PERFECT for a role here in cincinnati

in every single way

perfect perfect perfect

and i knocked it out of the park

and i didn't get it

and i spent SO MUCH TIME being so disappointed in the ways of the world

but

i very quickly learned that even the most perfect things just don't work out. 

then
aaron and i got in a huge fight
and we're working on what this new information means for us.


but

today

when i received official word that the job isn't mine

(and, honestly, it's for a very good reason, they went with someone who had more direct experience in a way they needed,)

i finally breathed a breath of relief for 

RESOLUTION.

now i can see what's next.

now

i'm loving and enjoying my life

and of course i would do that in LA

but i'm doing it here

and i've not lost anything that i didn't have already.

i love my job

i'm loving my life

i'm exploring my options

i will decide what is next,

as i figure it out,

but i'm certain it's going to be amazing

i'm sculpting my dream life with my eyes closed.
i will settle for nothing less.