WOW

friends.

i had a shocking moment awhile ago.

let's pretend for a moment that i went through some major trauma this past year.
and that, all things said and done, i am not the same woman i ever was. i'm better. i'm stronger. i'm more full.

and i know this.

but.
when i was flipping through old headshots of mine the other day,
i found these photos.
the one of the left, taken October 2010.
the one on the right, taken July 2011.

less than a year apart
and the difference in character is momentous.

thank you, Misfortune, for giving me a new playground to play in!
thank you, Trauma, for teaching me how to listen and love myself!
thank you, Obstacles, for giving me the strength to climb forward!

thank you, Love, for reminding me how open.
thank you, Safety, for giving me a home.
thank you, Time, for continuously healing all.

Rejuvenation

I cannot play my memories

Without freaking out.

No happy tunes, no barefoot times

FLASH FLASH

a me that has already happened

a me that did not see it coming.

FLASH FLASH

I want to scream through my mind

Little Girl! Wake up and get out of there!

I play his breath,

I repeat his eyes

And my skin creeps up. My throat closes and I

Begin to strangle myself, again.

I fast forward my memories as fast as I can!

The me that used to exist

The me before I was killed

The me before I was born again

(And am as awesome as I am now)

Has creeped her creepy, crawly, baby fingers into my hair

And my ears

And my neck

And wound her little creepy dead fingers in

And through my heart.

I do not know what to do with this dead me,

This dead me with vacant, laughing eyes

A hollow, full smile with clean, white teeth.

I have this little girl,

limp and gray and devoid in my arms.

Must I carry her with me?

Perhaps I can rejuvenate her.

Perhaps I can relearn her, reteach her, reach out

And refuel her.

Perhaps I can love her/perhaps I can love me.