1. don't judge me. i went there.
2. order an appetizer. marvel at how gigantic it is when it arrives, how much fewer calories you'll be eating than a regular entree, and the fact that it's 1/3 the cost of a normal dinner plate, and far closer to an appropriate size.
3. go with a friend and drown your sorrows/celebrate your joys. the cheesecake factory is about indulgence, obvs. if you're gonna go, pour yourself into a freaking booth and indulge in opening up your heart. you should walk out feeling better that you left it all out on the dance floor--wait. that's if you're drinking mojitos. if not, you left it in the bread basket.
4. order cheesecake. eat what you want. don't eat the crappy parts. don't stuff yourself. sure, they sell you on their giant portions and make you feel like you're getting an extravagant treat, but don't kid yourself. they're LUCKY to have you in, seeing how blatantly they abuse their prices and nutritional value. be picky. enjoy yourself. don't kill yourself.
5. take an effing coupon. i searched the internet ahead of time for one, didn't find one, but wished i had. find one. take it. use it. the end.